“The only way to deal with an un-free world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”—Albert Camus
Lately I’ve been feeling a little confounded and distracted. I keep coming back to the questions: What am I doing with my life? How can I be more purposeful? Along with, am I achieving enough and heading in the right direction?
These are questions that I haven’t asked myself for quite a long time.
Heavy, I know. But I have a feeling that the answers are already right in front me—they always are, right?
Transitional periods always leave me feeling anxious (naturally) with the kind of internal jitters that make my teeth chatter and even a calming chamomile tea can’t quell. My knees start knocking and the heels of my feet begin their own gentle rhythm, tapping the floor with a quickening pace, until I realise what’s happening.
Placing my hands on my lap, I try to make it STOP.
My anxiety collides with intermittent excitement, conflicting with doubt—on top of which—a swirling chaotic scene of thoughts and fragmented emotions and memories exploding in my head. If I let it, it will swallow me whole.
And then I decide.
I want out.
I want to break free from the confines of structure and routine, releasing myself from everything that I have relished, and found comfort in over the past few years.
But I can’t.
I have to sit still,
Shop the Bomber Jacket
As for the outfit. A structured woolen bomber jacket with leather detail pockets, paired with cropped raw-hem jeans in a nineties wash, and platform boots.
This is me embracing my masculine side in the only way I know how—with a hint of rebellion—and a tiny bit of vulnerability (i.e. the pale lilac turtleneck).
I’m almost covered from head to toe in an attempt to keep my emotions in-check.
I wear my heart and my emotions on both sleeves, and dressing in a way that aligns with my mood is essential to keep me engaged, and here with you now, in this moment.
Photography: Howard Sly, edited by me.